Geeky Girl Contemplates Life After Undergrad

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was trying to stop myself from ugly-crying at my pinning ceremony because nursing school was over. Just days ago, I was ringing in the new year with my family, and everyone was congratulating me, and frankly, I was on top of the world. But now, here I am, two weeks out from finishing nursing school, and suddenly, the facts are becoming very real to me.

School is over.

I think some terror at the implications of this are unavoidable, but somehow, I'm still struggling to accept it as a kind of fear that every new grad feels - because this fear is mine. I was told all along to expect it, and I did. But expecting something and being prepared for it are two different things.

Throughout nursing school, something that I struggled the most with was assertiveness, if my clinical evaluations are anything to believe. "Strong clinical judgment, good assessment skills," the evals would say, "but needs work on assertiveness."

And I think that's where my terror is coming from - because now, it's all on me. Being assertive and learning to advocate for myself are more than points for an instructor to evaluate theoretically. Finding a job and being successful depends upon those skills just as much as my ability to assess a patient, or insert a Foley, or push a medication.

I guess what scares me most is that for the first time in my recollection, it's not school. It's not grades. I know everyone says that once school is over, the geeks become the bosses, but I'm still very slowly trying to get to that point. How am I supposed to be the captain of my own ship when I'm still trying to learn to be captain of my own little rowboat?

The hardest thing about being a "good student" and graduating from college is obvious, and yet deeply, strangely complex. You're no longer a student. You don't go to school anymore, and for someone who has never been particularly athletic or fashionable or good at anything else but school, being done with school - even just for the time being - is terrifying.

So, take a deep breath and jump? I guess it's time. I start my first paid internship on Monday, I just paid my registration to take the board exam, and for the first time, I don't have anymore path in front of me. I don't have a clear cut idea of classes I need to take or grades I need to get. Whatever the path ahead of me turns out to be, I'm the one laying the bricks now.