Geeky Girl Seeks Quick Cash

Let me preface this by saying that finding your first nursing job as a new graduate RN in California is a crazy roller coaster ride - and not easy on your wallet. I'm currently working part time, but I've finally gotten to a point where I'd like to have extra money once in a while. That being said, I went online to prowl for opportunities to earn something writing, on top of the small earnings I make from sales of my first novel.

So, a few days ago, I signed up for an account on MTurk, a marketplace for online microjobs that allow you to earn small amounts of money for small, usually simple tasks. To date, I'm still waiting on account approval from them. Ever eager to find similar opportunities, a search on Reddit quickly led me to another site: GiftHulk.

I signed up for GiftHulk and was able to start earning points immediately - I'm earning them as we speak, actually! By performing small tasks with Crowdflower similar to what you'd find on MTurk, watching videos, filling out surveys, and other small tasks, you can accumulate points towards gift cards. The interface is somewhat clunky, and many of the tasks and offers require you to open multiple windows and click around quite a bit, but for those with the patience to do the navigating, it's a way of slowly accumulating points that be redeemed for prizes that are actually desirable: Amazon and Wal-Mart giftcards, Best Buy, Kohl's, Lowe's... even Facebook credits, if you're into actually spending money on those Facebook games. I know you guys are out there.

A thousand points, or "Hulk Coins" as the currency on the site is called, come out to a dollar of real-world money, so it takes some patience to actually reap the rewards

All in all, as a first impression, GiftHulk has proven to be a faster process to start. I definitely recommend it to anyone who, like me, is jobhunting and has more time on their hands than they'd like. I've earned about 150 Hulk Coins just while typing this blog post, so a dime and a half in a few minutes while typing and eating pancakes in my pajamas, searching for nursing job listings.

It's something, and something is much, much better than nothing. Stay tuned for more about my adventures in microemployment! If you decide to sign up, consider clicking my referral link here and helping me get a few points too!

The Blame Game, or Why any of us could have been Elliot Rodger

I will admit that I spent a great deal of the long Memorial Day weekend thinking about the grim events in the Isla Vista/Santa Barbara community. I’ve lost some sleep and admittedly have had nightmares, because it seems that every news outlet is so saturated with facts and appraisals and opinions about Elliot Rodger - it’s overwhelming to keep hearing these things over and over again.

But the fact is, I think we need to continue hearing them.

Just this morning, I read a news story about YouTube taking down the rest of Rodger’s video blogs, saying that he is “slowly disappearing from the Internet”.

Out of curiosity, I watched most of the videos and they made me sick. They made me squirm. They made me want to cry. But, just like the #YesAllWomen trending topic should continue to be in our consciousness, even after all of this has died down, so too should the trail left by the person whose hatred caused us to dive head-first into these conversations in the first place.

In the days that have followed since the killings in Isla Vista, there has been so much blame flying around, and so much anger when people disagree on who to blame. Some want to blame misogyny. Some want to blame a poor mental healthcare system. Some want to blame laws. The blame is often divvied up and argued about, like this:

And heaven forbid you suggest the burden of guilt or blame is something like this:

But what if, in truth, the blame should look like this?

Causes include everything inside the small circles, and everything outside. We can comb through what's left of Elliot Rodger's Internet footprint and continue asking, what was the cause? The truth is, every single word he spoke or wrote probably tells us the cause. 

At the heart of the blame game lies a desire to be able to say, “not me”. There is a desire to distance oneself, to place the focus on how similar we are to the victims, to say yes, this could have happened to me. What is missing from our narrative now, however, is the call for all of us to turn inward and ask, could this have been done by me?

There is a sense of “not me” every time we say that this was a crime to be blamed on men, on misogynists, on the mentally ill, on gun advocates. There is so much rhetoric that aims to isolate someone - some group of someones - so we can all sleep better at night. But maybe we all need to lose sleep, to have the nightmares, to realize that though we want to feel connected to the victims and feel like the perpetrator exists in a world apart from our own, we are one with the perpetrator just as much as the victims.

Elliot Rodger was a 22-year-old who was shaped by the same conditions, the same world we have all been shaped by. There have been so many "Amen, yes!" reactions among people who have felt victimized as women at the hands of men who feel entitled to their bodies - because this a valid and terrifying truth. But even so - it doesn't excuse women as a whole from needing to ask themselves, could I have been Elliot Rodger?

You can gasp and point fingers in indignation, you can say "not me!" as much as you want. It does not change the fact that we, too, exist in the world that shaped Elliot Rodger. We have been bumped, bruised, and damaged by the conditions we live in - the societal expectations and the limitations, the diagnosis-medication-then-what? paradigm.

We want so ardently for Elliot Rodger's manifesto, his videos, and his Internet posts to disappear because it allows us to cement our belief that he is the other, that he was not one of us. We want to connect with the victims because it allows us to preserve our own feelings of innocence.

We can never be fully certain of anything, except that there is no single cause - we cannot point fingers because none of us have enough fingers to point if we want to cover every factor that contributed to this event. We do not want to believe that one lost friendship, a divorce, a chemical imbalance, could cause us to become monsters too. 

We feel a need to create monsters in our narratives of tragedies because if someone is a monster, they are not  like us - we can dismiss the idea that we, too, house monsters inside of us. But, we need to acknowledge those monsters because we need to honestly, humbly look at the things in the world around us that anger us, our misconceptions, our beliefs that could turn us into something cruel and ugly, because we are all capable of being, becoming, - doing cruel, ugly things.

The point of bringing this up is not to say, "It could have been caused by anything, so there's no point talking about it." It is not just Elliot Rodger's single combination of circumstances - a broken family, a fear of socializing, possible mental illness, exposure to extreme misogynist ideologies - that created a monster. We live in a world where any of us can be exposed to or afflicted with something that can make monsters out of us. We can't make him disappear just because we want to continue believing that we are cut from a different cloth.

This could have been caused by anything - and that is why we must talk about it.

The Moment I Realized Anxiety Would Change My Life

I couldn't point out to you the first time I ever felt really, genuinely anxious. I couldn't point out to you the instant that it stopped being a minor inconvenience and became a genuine problem.

What I can point out is the moment I realized that anxiety would change my life forever.

But in order to tell you about that day, I first need to tell you about my life in the months prior.

I was nearing the end of sixth grade when my grandfather passed away. I was an awkward preteen in catholic, just learning how to wear "girl jeans" and wear lipgloss. I went to Our Lady of Mercy School in a city called Daly City, a suburb nestled right up next to San Francisco. I grew up in the suburb and was involved in a little bit of everything - spelling bees, academic decathlon, drama club, talent shows. While my grandfather was alive, he was there for every minute, videotaping and acting as my personal cheering section, no matter what the occasion.

When he passed away, everyone said I was such a trooper, such a grown up. I went back to school after about a week or so, and I kept chugging along as though everything was fine - for that, the praise kept on coming. So strong, they said. But the first big change I noticed was that I stopped wanting to sing. I was too nervous. I had never described myself as a nervous person in my life.

In seventh grade, one of my classmates lost her father. His funeral was being held in our parish during our classes, and so my teacher, Mrs. Vollert, elected that we as a class should all attend and show our support for her.

So there I was, kneeling in the pew and saying a prayer for my classmate's father and watching people filing in before the funeral service. I saw them all dressed in their mourning clothes, crying and clinging to one another - I remembered that months earlier, my own grandfather's funeral had been in here. Months ago, it had been me in here. Months ago, I had suffered my own loss and I didn't know how to deal with it yet. I'd hardly even cried. Yet here I was, expected to support someone going through what I still hadn't gotten out the other side of yet.

Suddenly, I felt heavy - like I had been dropped into an ocean with weights on my arms and I was trying to get back to the surface. But I couldn't. I just felt like I was being dragged further and further downwards. I felt my pulse racing, my throat tightening. I tried to keep saying a prayer and found that I couldn't even get through the words I had memorized for my entire life. Not even a simple prayer was making sense in my head. It was heaviness, and apprehension. It was a feeling of the room getting smaller and smaller.

And it hit me - I couldn't do this. I wanted to. I wanted to be strong like I'd been doing so well for months, but I just couldn't. I quietly stood up and made my way up a row or two to my teacher and tapped her timidly on he shoulder. "I think I need to stay outside," I said in a defeated voice. "I don't think I can handle being here.:

Mrs. Vollert stared at me for a while, not saying anything, and I immediately wished I could take it back. Never taking her eyes off of me, she got up and gestured for me to follow her. We wordlessly walked out of the church, and she marched me across the front lawn to the office, ordering me to sit in a seat in the main lobby. I quietly did as I was told - and upon seeing the way she stared at me, I never felt so small in my life. She towered over me and put her face close to mine.

"Your classmate just lost her dad," she said, as though I didn't understand what was happening. "And we're supposed to be supporting her."

I stumbled through my explanation that my grandfather had just recently died too, that his funeral had been in the came church, and that I just felt overwhelmed. She didn't know me all that well, but I was sure that if she knew what I had been through, she would understand. I was still shaking. I noticed that she didn't move her face away from mine yet, but now her expression had changed.

She was angry. She was turning red, with her lips tight and her nostrils flaring.

"You're being very selfish. You sit here and think about that."

So I sat, and I thought. The secretary at the front desk had been told not to let anyone come and "chat" with me, so I had plenty of time to think. In that span of time, the idea was planted in my mind. That sinking sense of apprehension I felt, the chilling sense of being overwhelmed and drowning - those were bad things to feel. And the fact that I felt them made me bad and selfish. And now, I deserved for no one to talk to me because of it.

At twelve years old, I learned a hard lesson - it was okay to be sick on the inside. People would write you get well cards, they would say they hoped you felt better and let you rest. If you were throwing up or running a fever, people would fall all over themselves to try and take care of you. Teachers would never be mad at you, because they knew you couldn't help it.

But when you felt sick on the inside - when you felt like you were sinking into someplace cold and dark and it made you shake in fear, even if you didn't know exactly why - that wasn't real, That was something you made up in your head to get attention, to get out of things you didn't want to do.

And so, the message was given to me at a very young age that being able to cope with something in your own mind was selfish. You were never meant to verbalize it. You were never meant to ask for help about it. Ever.

I wonder sometimes... would my adolescence have been different if that day had not gone the way it did? How different would my life be today?

Love In Your Twenties: A Compilation

One of the topics hot on the blogging scene is having serious relationships in your twenties. Have them. Don't have them. The sex is great. The sex sucks. Get married. Don't get married.

For your arguing/self-validating/self-pitying/Facebook-sharing convenience, here is a repository of some of the opposing opinions on the topic. Feel free to comment and send links to more, and the list will be updated as needed.

FOR:
26 Perks of Being in a Serious Relationship in Your 20s 
My First Blog: The Result of a Closed-Minded 23 Year Old
In Defense Of Having A Relationship In Your 20s
Who Says Marriage Holds You Back?: A Response to "23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23"
Why Relationships in Your 20s are a Good Thing

AGAINST:
The 10 Reasons A Relationship In Your 20s Makes No Sense At All
23 Things To Do Instead Of Getting Engaged Before You’re 23
19 Reasons To Avoid Relationships In Your 20s
Why you don't need to date in your twenties
Just Married or Just Buried: A Case Against Marrying in Your Twenties
Why Staying Single In Your 20s Can Be a Very Good Thing

Geeky Girl Takes On the NCLEX-RN

Now that I've made it to the other side, I think it's safe to recount my NCLEX experience, though with the disclaimer that, per the legal agreement signed when one takes the NCLEX-RN, I won't be discussing questions.

The Morning-Of...

I woke up at 4AM, already with a headache and an upset stomach. Perhaps it was just the nerves of the day, but all of a sudden, I was a hypochondriac.

I drank my morning coffee, the way I always do, and my stomach started gurgling. I'm lactose intolerant. I'm nauseous right now. I must obviously be pregnant. My sinuses. My sciatica. Literally, everything.

Eventually, my husband was able to gather me up, despite the fact that I was a blubbering puddle of anxiety, and we made our way to the Pearson Professional Center. I attempted to get myself pumped with music, trying to see if I could channel my nerves into something productive, all the while attempting to cram regular lab values back into my head. I worked myself up a playlist and tried to shift my mind into a better place to take the biggest exam of my life.

"Killer Queen" - Queen
"Eye of the Tiger" - Survivor
"Lose Yourself" - Eminem
"Let it Go" - Idina Menzel

Well. You get the gist of it.

So, Your Other Half is Off to Basic Training...

Rewind about seven years - because that's how long it's been since I was in the position that I'm going to be talking about on this blog. Seven years ago, my boyfriend and I were graduating from high school, and he was getting ready to ship out to basic training for the U.S. Army. At the time, I had no friends who were in a similar position, and hadn't yet discovered the blogger-community of people who could talk me through. But somehow, seven years later, he and I are still together, married, and making it on our own.

So, maybe we did something right. If that's the case, then here are some lessons learned from my experiences that may help you too.

Step 1: Let It Out

I know, the first thing everyone wants to do is be proud and supportive. No one wants to be that person who isn't appropriately proud of their significant other for doing something as noble as committing themselves to defending their country. But believe me when I say that you need to let the negative things out before you can start being positive.

Maybe you're angry that they're enlisting, and you didn't want them to do it in the first place. SAY SO. Maybe you're terrified and think that they're going to change and you're going to grow apart. SAY SO. You're not doing anyone any favors by keeping it inside. Sure, it's well-intentioned that you don't want to stress your loved one out, but in the end, the lack of communication is the death sentence to many relationships.

Step 2: Let Yourself Be Sad

The first day after he left, I had no appetite until well until the next evening. I picked at a granola bar the whole day, and cried intermittently for no apparent reason except that I missed him. And then, afterwards, I realized I was hungry and didn't want to cry anymore. Pretending to be okay is something you do for others, so they won't feel bad for you, or so they won't feel guilty. But, when you're going through a big change in your life, it's alright to think about yourself and grant yourself the right to feel what you feel.

Step 3: Get Up and Do Something

I mean it. Enroll in classes. Get a part-time job. Get a full-time job. Learn to jet-ski. Take a road trip. Start P90X. Whatever it is, do it. Don't let yourself sit and wallow, and don't be stagnant.

Imagine being your girlfriend or boyfriend - you are in training, learning new things, doing new things, and growing as a person. How do you feel when you get on the phone with someone you love, and it's the same story every time? You feel alone. Sure, maybe you think that reiterating "I love you" and "I miss you" is all you need to say whenever you write a letter or answer the phone - but that is false.

You need to have your own experiences that you can share, because if the person you love is growing and finding themselves, you need to do that too in order to stay on the same page as them. This is a time for you both to grow and become more mature, more aware of what you want in life. Don't ruin your chances of a good future with the person you love just because you didn't want to explore and grow.

Step 4: Tell Your Stories

Don't be ashamed of your new experiences. Share them, be excited about them. If the person you love truly loves you, they'll be excited for you. It will bring life to every conversation, and keep your connection to the other person strong.

Let the letters you write be interesting and colorful. Don't be all doom and gloom. Have adventures, and tell the person you love that they inspire you to explore and grow.

Step 5: Be Demanding...

...as long as you are realistic about it. Don't let yourself become a doormat. A lot of people with a significant other in the military make this mistake because they feel like their loved one is doing something so major and so noble by being in the military, and that they are "just a student", or "just a waitress". Don't belittle yourself. Know that the fact that the person you love is in the military doesn't give them special rights in your relationship. Know that you are allowed to have needs and to voice them, even if there is nothing that can be done right now. Be the person who has standards and sets goals - because in the end, it's one thing to keep a relationship, but to keep it healthy is another achievement entirely.

Geeky Girl Breaks Down Toxic Personalities

We're a couple days into the New Year, and every New Year, countless people commit to being drama-free, but it's easier said than done. One of the most essential yet also most difficult steps to creating a drama-free life is recognizing and cutting out the toxic personalities you have surrounded yourself with.

But first, what makes a toxic personality?

A person with a toxic personality is a leech, in multiple ways. Emotionally, they drain you dry. They are demanding, time-consuming, attention-grabbing, needy - the list can go on. They can drain you financially, and of your resources, because they just need you. They continually play the victim so that you need to save them, and at first, it feels good. You feel good that you're helping someone, and it makes you feel effective and powerful, because you have the ability to help someone improve their lives.

But this is a kind of relationship that can't last - because they only get stronger by making you weaker. Eventually, it becomes harder and harder to give these people what they need, because they continue to need more and more - even when you don't have it. And then, you begin to feel guilty, and they begin to feel angry that you can't give them what you did before. Maybe, you can't let them borrow as much money. Maybe you can't always be their safety net.

A person with a toxic personality takes away your clarity. By this, I mean that they misconstrue situations in their interpretation, because they are hard-wired to always feel like the victim in a situation, and when you try to convince them otherwise, many things can happen.

• They misconstrue the facts. A toxic personality will pick and choose what they tell about the situation to others, and even what they choose to believe themselves. 
• They become avoidant. If you try to reason with them that they have taken too much, they will shut you out and storm off.
• They become abusive. This can come in the forms of physical violence, verbal hostility such as cursing and swearing, or gossip.

Think of a toxic personality in the following way:

You and a friend are walking in a museum and admiring the artwork - your friend didn't have money to pay for their ticket today, so you put up the funds for them, and you're both having a good time. Suddenly, your friend trips and knocks over a vase, which falls to the ground and shatters.

No one is looking, so your friend suggests that you run away. You try to point out that running away will not help anyone - that there are cameras in the museum, that they will find out and your friend will be in even bigger trouble than she would be if she just took responsibility and paid for the vase.

But all your friend hears, because of the haze created by their toxic personality, is that you want them to get in trouble for breaking the vase.

While toxic personalities come to be for many different reasons, many develop because a person lacks what professionals refer to as self-efficacy. Self-efficacy is a sense of "Yes, I can!". It is an internal feeling that a person possesses the skills and abilities to solve their own problems in life. While a person with a sense of self-efficacy is able to take changes in stride, a person who lacks it is fearful and resentful - they don't feel they can do it alone.

They won't admit it. Many times, they will overcompensate in order to make it appear otherwise. They will claim not to need anyone. They will try to prove it by buying expensive things or living flashy lifestyles that are out of their means. But at the end of the day, they don't believe that they are able to make their own lives better. They believe only others can do that for them. This lack of confidence in their own ability to change their lives leads to another intrinsic trait of toxic personalities: they always need people on their side.

This is what can often make it difficult to take toxic people out of your life - because once you attempt to break free from their grasp, they begin to try and turn others against you. They need to always be the victim, so they also need someone to play the hero. That person was you. But now, because they have taken what they can and you need time to rebuild yourself, they look for a new hero at your expense.

Cutting toxic individuals out of your life can be a hurtful process. It is definitely hard. But in the end, you are being kinder to yourself for it - and you are helping them.

A person with a toxic personality and the need to be a victim can only do so if people enable them to remain the victim. While it's difficult to stomach, one of the greatest acts of caring that you can commit towards these individuals is to take away that ability. They will say you are cruel. They will say you are throwing them out into the cold. They will say you are trying to ruin their lives, and they will turn people against you - but this is all because they don't feel they have the power to change that. The greatest way to help this person grow is to help them learn to take responsibility for the vases they break.